A heart-breaking truth I came to know as an evolving psychologist is that we are all flawed. If I were to count perfectly healthy people in my environment – those with no visible anxiety issue, attachment issue, and so on- I think the count would rise up to 3 or 4. I couldn’t even do a walk of fame with the people I had gathered!
Of course, that is not to say that the world is composed of mentally ill people. But there is always something that can be fixed in everyone! We are all hiding something, compensating for something, denying something or just ignoring it and living with it. And sometimes, it works perfectly fine, which makes any type of intervention unnecessary.
“You are fine” – The categorical view
Let me explain my point with that: I went to the doctor the other day for my knee pain, and he said it was “nothing”. Nothing but a degenerative syndrome, that is going to alter the way I live for the rest of my life – but in medical terms: it was not much. And I completely understand where he was coming from.
That is because to a doctor, or a health professional, in order to qualify as “something”, a disorder cannot just alter the way you live: it has to impact it profoundly, and cause suffering to a point where clinical intervention is not just recommended, it is needed, sometimes with more extreme measures. As long as you can adapt to the problem and live with it without too much subjective suffering, then you are fine – because we are all inherently flawed human beings.
Technically, this vision is correct. Nowadays, however, visions are changing from a categorical diagnostic point of view to a more dimensional one.
The question becomes: sure, we are all flawed… But how flawed can you afford to be? How flawed till you break, or make others worry? How flawed is too flawed?
Good vs Bad and it’s impact on today’s society
The question of mental health and whether or not you need to worry may torment many people. And it can be hard for them to find their answer, specially because in today’s society, a flaw should be concealed. Put some make up on it/fill it with Botox/make it look good in your job interview, be ashamed of it if you want, as long as you hide it by the end of the day. I mean, the name says it all. It’s a “flaw”: a “mark, or blemish, or other imperfection”. In our actual society, where conformity rules, there is good and there is bad and the message is: show the good and deal with the bad on your own time.
Well, first of all: I call BS.
How did we get there? How did we get to a point where the mere fact of eating, sleeping, breathing (a.k.a living) is not sufficient anymore, and looked down upon? How did we get to a point where our existence sums up to a bundle of axioms abiding to better stronger faster stronger?
Something went terribly wrong, and we have forgotten how to live.
The dimensional view
No, my friends: a flaw is not “a mark”, it is a part of you. It is yours to cherish and to hold. It is yours to get to know, to master, to love. As a matter of fact, most of our behavior has been adaptive or useful at some point, otherwise you wouldn’t have it. Most of the time the solution becomes the problem. Because each part is always two-sided: perfectionists work better, but also stress more and enjoy their successes less; they develop a hyper-exigent lifestyle and tend to feel unsatisfied with many things, including their own selves. Helpers, healers, are perfectly attuned to other people: they can guess what the other is feeling, thinking, even before the other is aware of it. They make perfect life companions and are always rooting for their precious ones. But they often also forget themselves, put the other first, up to the point where the other’s problem becomes their own and they have plenty to worry about. They sometimes do it at their own expenses, losing touch with their own sense of self, feelings and thoughts…
Anxiety will help you see what you fear, and control strategies will help you prevent it. But control will also shut you down on joy, and surprise, and sometimes love.
No there is no flaw, just traits of being and a will to learn more and suffer less. Eventually, whatever works for you will lead the way to a more fulfilled life. Which means you have to listen to yourself, to your own subjectivity!!
How flawed is too flawed? The cutting point
This leads me back to my second point. How flawed is too flawed can be answered as such:
First, since there is no flaw, do not be afraid to let it be. Do not be afraid to get to know it, explore it, see where it leads you, maybe even share it with the trustful people around you. And when the answer to your question becomes “I am surviving and not living”; “I have no other option”; or “I find myself being constantly dissatisfied with my life even though I have no reason to be- I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I mean, it could be worse” then you have to listen to it.
Second, do not try to hide it, or suppress it: it is your inner calling. Being ashamed of what you are, or feeling like you are not meant to be in this world for whatever reason, only means you have succumbed to a type of living and context that is not working for you and you have to look for something that will. The world is too big for you to settle for a life that is below you.
Third, do not feel alone. The word alone say we are all one (al-one), and chances are, somebody else, somewhere, is feeling the way you do. Go out, go online, seek help and explore. Curiosity doesn’t always kill the cat and it can sometimes lead to surprising outcomes. Dare to question your comfort zone!
The main conclusion
I will leave you with that: Recognize what you are, and be it, that is all that is asked of you. And if you feel unhappy,stressed, or worn out, there is probably something to be done about. So be harmonious and, above all, be in peace. Because, in good times and in bad, the main thing you are, is your greatest tool.
