(How flawed is too flawed, part 2)
So we talked here about embracing the fall and listening to your feelings, doing some research. Today, let us take this one step further and list the criteria to think about when you know that you’re feeling “bad”. Do keep in mind however that all these are minimal compared to your own subjectivity: if you feel something is wrong, I encourage you to seek help. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? If you seek help and you don’t need it, you will be sent back home with a clearer mind. The contrary however, is way more risky: you will be going about your life unwell and unaware of a possible easier or better way to live.
1. Numbers
Temporality (both frequency and duration) and intensity of your negative feelings: How long has this been going on? This is important, and every answer leads to something different. Try to be as objective as possible in determining your answers. Has it been a day? A week? A month? A lifetime? If it’s not continuous, then how often does it occur in a month, or a year? And what about the intensity? How strong is it, on a scale of 1 to 10? Anything that has been happening for too long, or that happens too frequently, or too intensely (that is, in a negative way) can be a reason for consult. To evaluate those numbers, you might want to take a look at the next criteria.
2. Context
Is there an objective explanation to the way you are feeling? Death, breakups, daily work stress, due dates, insecurities, all these are understandable. But is context alone sufficient to explain the way you’ve been feeling? How can you find out? The duration and intensity of your feelings and feedback from others can be useful guides. If you have been grieving a relationship for many years now and your friends tell you it’s not normal, maybe you should listen to them. Stress at work is also normal, but when it’s keeping you up every night, you should probably consider doing something about it. And if you simply feel like you’re carrying too much on your shoulders, I don’t see any reason for you to go through this, even less to go through it alone. Get help, make life easier for yourself. Nobody said life should be too hard!
3. Daily functioning
How impacted is your daily life? I mentioned insomnia previously, but one can think of a thousand different ways in which your daily functioning can be disturbed. Are you having difficulties staying focused most of the time? Have you been losing or gaining weight, appetite, sleep? What about your libido? Sex talks. It is often shut down and concealed, but what is your body telling you? Speaking of bodies: has your immune system been weakened? Have you been feeling tense, experiencing all sorts of body aches on a daily basis? Are you somatizing in any way: do you have any disease or medical disorder that is caused by stress (back pain, blood pressure, allergies such as eczema, psoriasis…)?. That is obviously to be confirmed by a medical practitioner… Are you able to find pleasure in what was once pleasurable? Is there any thought/emotion/image that is recurring and that keeps interrupting your daily life? Are you losing control too many times? In a nutshell: on a scale of 1 to 10, how well are you being able to wake up and go about your day?
Daily impact on functioning can also look a bit different. It can take the form of any situation with which you are uncomfortable dealing, but which you need to “get over” for practical reasons. Do you need to talk in public for professional reasons and feel incapable? Do you absolutely need or want to take a plane, but feel like the fear is stopping you? Is there anything you need to do, but can’t get through alone? And if so, is the help in your surroundings available, efficient, and enough to get you through it?
4. Desirability
Do you want to be be the way you are? Is there anything you would like to change? If so, what have you tried, and have you succeeded? If not: why not ask a professional?
5. Societal Norms
And I put this one with a reserve. Societal norms are fundamental in determining what is normal or not. That’s one of the first thing we learned as therapists. But one should also dare to question them when these have negative repercussions on how you feel. Are you feeling very different from the people around you – or are the people around you suggesting that you are in any way « abnormal » or that your behavior is unusual? How are the people around you viewing you? Do not be afraid to ask. Keep in mind that life is constant movement, and whatever vision they have can change. Try to find out how the people around you see you, and how their view is impacting you (yes, we always go back to subjectivity). Because in the end, what matters is how you view yourself. Which brings us to the final and most important criterion…
6. Self View
How do you view yourself? The first part of the article ended by mentioning that you are your greatest tool. Are you feeling “under” most of the time? Do you have trouble affirming yourself, or saying no to things you don’t want? Are you often feeling guilty? Is there anything you wish you could do better? Would you maybe wish to be better, or to be someone else? The way you view your own person is very important. It is essential that you make friends with yourself and your solitude. That, for sure, is one thing you’re never running away from.
Try to be as objective as possible in determining your answers.
+ You can also check out the diagnostic manual for mental health in your nearest available library
+ Or contact me here for more info
